It's Not That Big a Deal....Or Is It?

I've been at this new blog thing for 3 weeks and I have already failed at it. I want to say I've been busy, and that's true, but I've also lacked motivation. I think I just really needed to think some things through after our doctor visit and come to terms with a few things. I needed my mind to settle down.

I don't know if it's normal to feel knocked down after a doctor appointment. I don't know if it's normal to see the magnitude of what is ahead of you and feel so overwhelmed that you're not sure where to begin. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't make such a big deal about ADHD and other times I feel like I'm not making a big enough deal about it.

The world is still so misunderstanding of everything ADHD and sometimes, I think I get caught up in that. I think my husband does, too. I think, as hard as we try, we can never fully understand it. We can never see the world through our son's eyes.

I think I fail so hard at helping my kid sometimes. I feel the full weight of what he's going through, how the world is different for him - how the expectations for him can seem so daunting. He's 8, but not 8. He's 4 foot tall, but he throws himself on the floor like a 2-year-old. He's smart and funny and loving and he's impulsive and hyperactive and loud and so much fun!

I hear his heartbreaking words, "I just can't sit still. My body won't let me."

"I just can't focus."

"I just can't remember."

"I am always the one who gets in trouble. I'm always in trouble."

I feel the stares at the store as he melts down. I know what people say. How can a child that old behave in such a way? He must be spoiled. The annoyance and the judgment is spewed at me in hateful vibes and I want to lash out at them, the way my son impulsively lashes out because his heart is set on something and he can't let it go. That's not how his brain works. There are so many things that lead up to a moment like that, his body can't handle any more of it. He can't let go when it seems like the least important thing in the world to everyone else. But in that moment, it's the most important thing in his world.

I see how hard he tries and how he keeps going when maybe it's really hard for him. I see the relief he feels when someone, anyone listens to him about his frustration, when we show him understanding and patience. I see his pride as he realizes what a great job he's done on his report card.

My son has ADHD. It affects everything in his life, from his performance in school, to his friendships, to family relationships, to the way the world perceives him.

As hard as it can be, as intense as it can be, as big of a deal as it can be, I can see how wonderful the world can be for him, too.