Happy New Year!

When I think of a new year,  I think of it as sparkly and glittery and magical. Yes, I'm one of those people. It's not that I think I can just magically be a new person or that everything in my life is magically better. But, I like the idea of what a new year can bring. I like the idea that we can, if we wanted, make a fresh start in some aspect of our lives.

That said, here are some things you won't find me doing at the beginning of this year:

• You won't find me in the gym. Mostly because I hate gyms, but also because I don't make those kinds of resolutions. 
• You won't find me suddenly juicing everything. 
• You won't find me detoxing or cleansing or anything else. 

I don't make resolutions because I don't want to set myself up for failure when there is so much possibility in a new year. I choose carefully what I'd like to accomplish because, gosh darn it, I want to succeed and I know my limitations (a goal I set in 2014 was to accept my limitations and not feel guilty when I say "no." Still working on that last part).

The thing is, as much as people make fun of those who wish to be better in the new year, you have to consider how much can happen in a year. If you think about who you were this time last year and who you are now and how your experiences have changed you, then why is it so ridiculous to think you can actually accomplish making yourself even better in a new year? That's just my two cents.

All I want for 2015 is to continue learning about myself, about my life, my place in this world and about my kids. I want to continue working at accepting myself as I am, and I want to brush off judgments from others and myself. I want to love myself as I am and that is hard work that won't happen over night. I don't want to do this just for myself, but for my kids too. It's important work to love oneself even when all the world will convince you that you should hate yourself because you're too fat/too skinny/too unorganized/too smart/not smart enough/you're a woman/you're a man - you get my point, right?

Just for the kicks and giggles of it, my goals for 2015:

• Gain control of my finances. This is numero uno as I do the work of learning to love myself. Now that I am working full time (another blog post for another day), I want to have something to show for it. An actual vacation? Perhaps. Things paid off? Yes! Savings? Please! (more on this later)
• Learn to sew. Just a fun project. And something I can do with Little Miss, although apparently her school taught her how to sew in art class. I love her school! My inspiration came for this right at Halloween as we were looking for patterns for her robe for her costume (she was Snow White the Bandit from Once Upon a Time) and I saw some Jane Austen inspired patterns. "Oh my goodness, I must learn to sew so I can sew one of these dresses!" Husband sews, but I don't want him to have to sew an entire dress. I figure it's going to take me a while to learn and I'm not going to pressure myself. Luckily, I will have help. A lovely woman is going to teach me via the internet. Isn't the internet grand? 
• Organize. I know, I know. But seriously, we live in a cluttered, dirty house and I can't take it anymore! My very dear friend and neighbor has stepped up to the challenge in helping me - and it is a huge challenge. Especially since I have adult ADHD (again, another blog post for another day). Allowing her to step in and help is a major step for me. Accepting such an amazing gift is a big deal for someone like me. And accepting that I need her help and the direction she will point me in in maintaining a clean and neat home, is, again, a big deal for someone like me. I am truly blessed for having such amazing people in my life! 
• And continue to let go of the things that I cannot control. 

I know those sound like resolutions. Call 'em whatever you want. I think of them as a continuation of the work I started a year ago, when I realized I was not where I wanted to be in life. I haven't exactly accomplished everything I wanted in 2014 and guess what? I'm okay with that. I have moved forward in my life, I have been doing the work I set forth to do...and so it shall be for 2015. Have you set any goals or resolutions for 2015? What do you hope to accomplish this year?

From my family to yours, we wish you a year filled with love, joy and success!

It's Not That Big a Deal....Or Is It?

I've been at this new blog thing for 3 weeks and I have already failed at it. I want to say I've been busy, and that's true, but I've also lacked motivation. I think I just really needed to think some things through after our doctor visit and come to terms with a few things. I needed my mind to settle down.

I don't know if it's normal to feel knocked down after a doctor appointment. I don't know if it's normal to see the magnitude of what is ahead of you and feel so overwhelmed that you're not sure where to begin. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't make such a big deal about ADHD and other times I feel like I'm not making a big enough deal about it.

The world is still so misunderstanding of everything ADHD and sometimes, I think I get caught up in that. I think my husband does, too. I think, as hard as we try, we can never fully understand it. We can never see the world through our son's eyes.

I think I fail so hard at helping my kid sometimes. I feel the full weight of what he's going through, how the world is different for him - how the expectations for him can seem so daunting. He's 8, but not 8. He's 4 foot tall, but he throws himself on the floor like a 2-year-old. He's smart and funny and loving and he's impulsive and hyperactive and loud and so much fun!

I hear his heartbreaking words, "I just can't sit still. My body won't let me."

"I just can't focus."

"I just can't remember."

"I am always the one who gets in trouble. I'm always in trouble."

I feel the stares at the store as he melts down. I know what people say. How can a child that old behave in such a way? He must be spoiled. The annoyance and the judgment is spewed at me in hateful vibes and I want to lash out at them, the way my son impulsively lashes out because his heart is set on something and he can't let it go. That's not how his brain works. There are so many things that lead up to a moment like that, his body can't handle any more of it. He can't let go when it seems like the least important thing in the world to everyone else. But in that moment, it's the most important thing in his world.

I see how hard he tries and how he keeps going when maybe it's really hard for him. I see the relief he feels when someone, anyone listens to him about his frustration, when we show him understanding and patience. I see his pride as he realizes what a great job he's done on his report card.

My son has ADHD. It affects everything in his life, from his performance in school, to his friendships, to family relationships, to the way the world perceives him.

As hard as it can be, as intense as it can be, as big of a deal as it can be, I can see how wonderful the world can be for him, too.

Sit and Think for a Spell...

Today marked a six-month follow-up visit with Little Dude's developmental pediatrician- the one who gave the ADHD diagnosis over a year ago.

And now we're left with some pretty serious decision making.

To medicate or not to medicate.

You see, we've been putting off medicating because the side effects just sound less than wonderful and maybe, perhaps, we've even been a little ignorant about it.

Recently there have been some behaviors that have me a little concerned. My instinct is these behaviors are more an anxiety/stress reaction than anything else. There's the hair pulling that led to the bald spot on top of his head. We're experiencing more meltdowns at home. More defiance. More frustration.

And could all of these behaviors be due to stress because he's trying so hard to fit into a mold that was not made for kids like him? So much is expected of him at school and maybe he's trying so hard there, he comes to pieces at home,.

Today, I am torn. Today, I feel I need more answers. Perhaps medication might be the way to go.

Right now, I feel the need to think on some things the doctor said. I feel the need to pursue some more answers, while also considering medication.

I am not going to go out and find resources for this blog entry. I just want to put out there how this is a real struggle for our family and for so many families like ours. I'm not saying that medicating is wrong or bad. It could be the right choice for us and I know it is the right choice for a lot of others.

So, I guess it's time to sit and think for a bit...

Flashback Friday!

I was 22 when I got married and had my first child: a beautiful baby girl whose very existence in this world has made it that much better.

Three years later, we decided to have another child. And so, my son came into our lives at full force. I suppose I could say he was strong-willed from that first breath he took outside my womb. You can hear the neonatal specialist saying on the video that our son was pushing out all the mucus and gunk on his own with his big, strong breaths.

My daughter was always a gentle baby. She always smiled and laughed and she slept anywhere and everywhere. She was so easy to please and she was the love of my life. I miss now the bond we had in her infancy as those tween hormones take over her 11-year-old body now (ha ha).

My son was never a gentle baby. He was never easy. And he never slept. His little quirks took over our lives. Our pediatrician warned us not to let it control the house, but when Little Dude would finally fall asleep, we turned down the T.V. and all held our breaths.

We have a screamer! A beautiful one!

He was always overstimulated. Always seemed bothered to be held. He pushed away from me, even as a tiny baby when I would try to comfort him. He refused to nurse. He rarely slept and when he did it was in 20-30 minute increments. I was exhausted and a wreck as I never could find any sort of rhythm between him and his sister.

There were precious moments too, don't get me wrong, and I loved him with all my might. Some things he outgrew, like not wanting to be held. And even though at one point his doctor worried about his lack of growth and placed him on iron supplements and multivitamins, he did begin to eat and gain weight.

He sleeps now, but after a year of several wake ups during the night followed by years of night terrors. If your child has never had a night terror, bless you. It's terrifying when he gets out of bed, screaming and screaming and running through the house and there's nothing you can do. One night, it was so bad, we checked his entire room for a scorpion, thinking one might have stung him as he slept. (There was no scorpion.)

I was reassured many times that he was just going through a "phase" and everything was fine. I look back now and think perhaps I should have pushed harder for answers and help.

What I know now is that according to some studies, everything Little Dude exhibited as a baby were possible signs of ADHD. I say possible because not all babies who exhibit behaviors such as sleep problems, eating problems, or crying a lot will later be diagnosed with ADHD.

The way I describe it to people who say, "well, that's just normal toddler behavior [the tantrums]" or "he's just being a kid," or "that doesn't seem abnormal to me," is, first of all, we don't measure "normal" and "abnormal" in our home. We're all a little weird here. Second, the best way I can describe is, "If you have this symptom here, and that symptom over there, separately they don't sound like a big deal. But when  you throw them all in one basket, and look at them as connected one to the other, it kind of changes things a bit."

Note: I am not an expert. I am not a doctor or psychologist. I am just a mother sharing her research, perspective, and journey along this ADHD path.

♪♫ ♪♫ La-La Loud Noises! ♪♫ ♪♫

Before we got the "official" ADHD diagnosis, there was emotional and social delay and Sensory Processing Disorder.

According to a review by the National Institute of Health, " More than two thirds of the clinical samples of children with ADHD have at least one co-morbid psychiatric disorder which are more likely to be oppositional defiant and anxiety disorders." Although many children with ADHD are also diagnosed with some type of sensory processing disorder, there are no studies that show sensory within ADHD itself, says the NIH review. So, we still look at it as separate diagnoses.

"Sensory processing disorders are impairments in responding to sensory stimuli such as impairments in detection, modulation, or interpretation of stimuli," according to the NIH review. 

Little Dude is so loud sometimes, I forget his reactions to loud noises in confined spaces. For example, we went to church with my parents when we were visiting this summer and the church has a full-on band that plays music before the service. It's basically like a rock concert in church. He sat with his hands over his ears and tried to bury himself in my arms during the music.

That over-stimulation set him off so that during the sermon, he was unable to sit still or be quiet, as would be expected of an almost 8-year-old boy. But also, we aren't church-goers anyway, so how would he even know how to behave in church?

This weekend, we went to a restaurant to watch the Auburn-LSU game. It was loud and there were a lot of people. This can be agitating to him and sometimes we have to leave events like that early, because it's just too much for him. However, this weekend, he had his Spiderman headphones, which he uses with his Tablet. And even though his Tablet had died and the headphones were no longer connected to anything with sound, he kept them on and was able to tolerate the noise and even joined in on the cheers, because his hands were free to do so.

My Little Auburn Fan shouting "Waaaar Eagle!"

And while some sensory stimuli is too much for him (loud noises, certain materials, certain textures of food), he seeks other types of stimuli. He wraps himself tight in a blanket when he's upset. When it's jacket season, he wants to keep his jacket on, zipped up all the way.

Honestly, I'm not very educated about how this works or why he reacts this way to noises and touch. I just know there are times when he can't bear the noise and there are times when I can't hold him tight enough. I know when he is overstimulated, he melts down. People don't always understand that. They see a child, as big and old as he is, screaming and they think I must be a bad parent and he is spoiled or needs more discipline. Those people can bite me. Because what I see when I see my child reacting that way to something as normal as a crowded grocery store is my child in pain. And I admit, sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I'm not sure what to do. I'm still learning. All the time, I'm learning how to handle these things.

As the report from the NIH shows, the medical profession is still learning about sensory processing in kids with ADHD and whether it's even co-morbid conditions or if sensory processing delays or disorders are part of the ADHD symptoms.

So, when you see a child melting down in public, please don't judge. Be compassionate. That child may very well be hurting from all that light and noise because their little bodies cannot process all that all at once.

Oh, and here is an excellent link to a blogger explaining Auditory Sensory Processing. 

♪ ♪♫ "We Are the Chaaaaaampions!" ♪ ♪♫

I started this post this morning and was enjoying my coffee and the lulling sounds of David Guetta and Kid Cudi in the background, but I got distracted and had to move on and so now, I'm writing this in the middle of after school chaos.

Little Dude's feet are kicking the chair legs as he eats his fourth snack and I can't help but feel satisfied by that. It's such a change from when he was a baby and wouldn't eat - to the point that he wasn't gaining weight like he should have been, so the doctor put him on those infant vitamin drops.

He has always been a difficult eater. Picky. And while he loves to help out in the kitchen, that does not equate to him actually eating it, so the "let him help you fix the food" crowd can peddle that advice elsewhere.

I suppose he can't overpower a growth spurt.

And tonight, he did his homework without fighting. No tantrums. Tonight, I let him wear his headphones and listen to Pandora.

We had an extremely busy weekend, hopping from one activity to the next. He handled it like a champ. Usually, he complains and sometimes even tantrums because he wants to stay home after being at school all week. But this time, we told him what to expect ahead of time and told him when he would be allowed to play with his Tablet and when he wouldn't be.

These perimeters are so important. Drawing lines and making routines ahead of time really does help. It's just hard for me to draw lines like that and my guilt is that I probably set up a lot of difficult situations myself because I didn't follow the routine. But those of us with ADHDers know that sometimes, the routine and the drawing lines doesn't work.

We allowed the Elevenager to bring a friend along with us this weekend to the zoo and to watch Auburn kick LSU's booty with other Auburn fans. I know it can be hard for her because her brother can get so much attention or he bugs her and, I know he even embarrasses her at times. I was really glad she had a friend with her this weekend. I love seeing my kids have a great time and they both did.

I feel like the past few days have been made of Win. And don't we all need days like that?

Squirrels Are a Part of Our Morning Routine

Every.dang.morning.

A typical school morning for us includes repetition. Lots of repetition. Everything gets repeated so many times, I sometimes feel as though I'm beating my head against a wall. We also have a lot of "squirrels."

6:30 a.m. is wake up time. Monday-Friday, 6:30 a.m. is a ridiculous time to wake up, obviously. On Saturday and Sunday, we've already beaten every level of Disney Infinity and started building a new world in Minecraft by 6:30 a.m. 

"I have to get on the Wii before my sister wakes up and takes over Netflix!" 

Saturday and Sunday, 5 a.m. is a perfectly reasonable time to wake up. Obviously.

On school mornings, by 7 a.m. clothes should be on and breakfast eaten. All I can say to this is, Thank Goodness for School Uniforms, okay? Really. School uniforms kind of makes it easier for him to pick up his shorts from yesterday to wear again today because I forgot to throw them in the wash last night...or I couldn't find them.

It's at this point things get a bit crazy. While I'm busy making the kids a healthy, whole foods lunch (okay, some days they get goldfish, a banana and a sugar/cinnamon "burrito" - don't judge) it becomes a free-for-all.

I have to be sure he and his sister never go into the bathroom at the same time. Or anywhere out of sight/ear shot together, to be honest. They bug the mess out of each other and fights derail my whole morning! So here's where the fun starts:

Me: "Little dude, go get your shoes."

10 minutes later he wonders back into the kitchen, no shoes. And now his shorts are off. Wait. What?

Me: "Hey! Where are your pants?! Where are your shoes?"

Him: "Oh! Oops!" Runs out of room.

At this point, my elevenager comes into the kitchen with her shoes in hand, hair a mess, groggy, scowly face on. Elevenagers are fun, y'all. She'll start complaining about her brother and how he'll make them late again. And since they just finished serving their detention sentence for too many tardies, I can understand her frustration.

Here comes my son. Pants around his ankles. "Okay. put them on! Where are your shoes?"

He turns to go get his shoes, with pants around his ankles. "PUT YOUR PANTS ON!"

Finally. Pants AND shoes are on. Sort of. "Shoes all the way on, please."

"Brush your teeth."

He stands there, staring at a piece of paper on the table. "Hey, bud, go brush your teeth."

Stands there.

I get right next to him, "Go brush your teeth."

He runs out of the room. 10 minutes later he wonders back in the room with Emmett from the Lego Movie in one hand and a handful of Legos in another. Oh, dear.

"Are your teeth brushed?"

"Well, no because Emmett..."

"No. Just no. Go brush your teeth. We have to go or we'll be late. You don't want stinky breath at school do you? Do you want detention again?"

After I get the kids to school, I feel like I need a nap. Some things that have helped is the constant routine. Every morning, everything is in the same order. When he knows what to expect and what comes next, it seems easier just to get it done.

Also, I bribe him. If he is 100% ready to go before it's time to leave, he gets to play on his tablet on the way to school. I used to have a no electronics rule in the morning, but it did more harm than good.

You know what though? Our "squirrel" moments can lead to some pretty great stuff, too. Like having a completely random conversation about weird games the kids play on the playground. Or why we need a couch like the one Emmett built in the Lego Movie. And sometimes, there's even random singing and dancing.

Yeah, sometimes I love squirrels in the morning.